


Three Fragments

by paraTactician



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-14
Updated: 2011-10-14
Packaged: 2017-10-24 15:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paraTactician/pseuds/paraTactician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Completing my round-up of stuff from <a href="http://hs-olympics.livejournal.com/">HSO 2011</a>: three short pieces I liked enough to preserve for posterity.</p><p><b>c100</b> (general)<br/>Six guests assemble for an unusual evening’s entertainment. Warnings: Karkat.</p><p><b>good morning, sunshine</b> (Dave/Terezi)<br/>What exactly did we drink last night? Warnings: mild smut.</p><p><b>how far we’ve come</b> (Dave/Karkat)<br/>Never compromise, even in the face of Armageddon. Warnings: blood, violence, death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. c100

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [bonus round 1b](http://hs-olympics.livejournal.com/6937.html), which involved creating fanstuff based on 1980s movies. The movie in question is the ridiculous 1985 cult comedy [_Clue_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clue_\(film\)). If you haven’t seen it, be warned that some of the jokes here may pass you by, although I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway.
> 
> (The whole thread for that bonus round has some wonderful stuff in it and is well worth a look.)

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF, although admittedly this is hardly newsworthy. You are wearing a RENTED TUXEDO which ITCHES LIKE FUCK and doesn’t fit you very well. You are currently hovering in the entrance hall of an OPULENT BUT FAINTLY CREEPY HIVE, holding a silver nutrition plateau under one arm for some fucking retarded reason, a white napkin draped over the other, waiting like a well-trained woofbeast for the doorbell to ring. You make you feel sick.

Doorbell: Ring.

A big brass bell jangles in one corner of the hall. You glide - the fuck? You didn’t even know you knew _how_ to glide - over to the front door and open it. On the other side stands a young woman in a bright spangly red evening gown which breathtakingly accentuates her complete lack of a figure. Seriously, you think you’d fill out that damn dress better than she does, and that’s a really disturbing image and you don’t even fucking want to know where it came from, gtfo. She is grinning. What is it with this piece of shit story and pointing out things everyone already knows? Coming soon: _Eridan is an unbelievable douche._

CG: OH FUCK.  
CG: SOMEHOW I KNEW YOU’D BE FIRST.   
GC: K4RK4T!!!  
GC: WH4T 4N 3NT1R3LY UN3XP3CT3D D3V3LOPM3NT >:]   
CG: SHSHSHSSHHH NO, NO FUCKING NAMES. WE’RE NOT MEANT TO USE REAL NAMES THIS EVENING.    
GC: >:?   
CG: DON’T GIVE ME THAT COY FUCKING PRINCESS OF MYSTERY LOOK. HOW DO YOU EVEN MAKE YOUR HORRENDOUS GNASHING FANGMOUTH DO THAT ANYWAY? IT’S AN APPALLING VIOLATION OF NATURE, MUCH LIKE, OH WAIT, EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT YOU.  
CG: OH YEAH, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR TEXT COLOUR, LIKE, NOW.   
GC: CH4NG3 1T TO WH4T??  
GC: TH1S 1S 4LL V3RY P3RPL3X1NG!   
CG: I, UH.  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: I’D TELL YOU YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS BUT THE TROUBLE IS YOU REALLY FUCKING ARE AND SHIT IS GOING TO GET FRANKLY EMBARRASSING.  
CG: YOUR NAME FOR TONIGHT IS ‘MISS SCARLET’.   
GC: >:O  
GC: YOU M34N  
CG: YES I FUCKING MEAN.  
CG: NO WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE CAN BE ASSEMBLED IN AN ORDER SUFFICIENT TO EXPRESS MY HATRED FOR WHICHEVER VINDICTIVE SHITGODS MARKED ME OUT FOR THIS PARTICULAR HUMILIATION, BUT I AM ACTUALLY FORCED TO INSTRUCT YOU TO GET YOUR FUCKING SCARLET ON.  
GC: >:D  
GC: K4RK4T  
GC: TH1S 1S TH3 H4PP13ST D4Y OF MY L1F3  
CG: JEGUS WEPT, IT’S LIKE A NIGHTMARE.  
CG: IT’S LIKE HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOU AND THAT SMUG NOOKPRONG STRIDER AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.  
CG: YOU GO OFF INTO A CORNER SOMEWHERE AND RUB YOUR FACE ON THINGS. TRY NOT TO SMEAR YOUR HIDEOUS JUICES ON THE ARMOIRE, IT’S AN ANTIQUE. I HAVE TO GET THE STUPID GODDAMN DOOR AGAIN. FUCK MY LIFE. 

You open the door again to reveal - 

CG: YES YES, I GET IT, ALL THE GUESTS TURN UP ONE BY ONE AND I GREET THEM IN AN ENIGMATIC FASHION, WHOOP DE FUCKING DO. IF YOU THINK I’M GOING TO STAND AROUND FREEZING MY BULGE OFF IN THIS SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A HALLWAY WHILE FIVE MORE OF THESE RETARDS SHOW UP AND MANIFESTLY FUCKING FAIL TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS IN A VARIETY OF OH SO HILARIOUS WAYS YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER FUCKING THINK HEADED STRAIGHT FOR YOUR DRIBBLING TERTIARY LATERAL CLOACA. SKIP TO THE GOGDAMNED END. 

\- to reveal _all the other guests_. There follows a scene in which everyone greets each other, which would have been a _scintillating masterpiece of character-driven comedy_ if _Mr Grumpy Fucknose_ here had actually let me _write_ it, and then everyone stands staring at you expectantly. 

AT: i, uH, sTILL DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS,  
AT: wHY CAN’T WE USE OUR NAMES, wHEN, wE ALL KNOW WHO EVERYONE IS ANYWAY,  
AT: aND, i GUESS, wHY AM I GREEN,  
AT: eVEN THOUGH IT’S QUITE NICE TO BE A DIFFERENT COLOUR, fOR A WHILE,  
AT: uM,    
CT: D --> This is so entirely inappropriate I am at a loss where to begin  
CT: D --> The hemospectrum is an ancient and sacred institution  
CT: D --> It is not to be profaned with this unmitigated nonsense  
CT: D --> Such blasphemous and e%ecrable tomf001ery makes me so angry I could just  
CT: D --> Sweat   
CA: i dont sea wwhat youre all wwhinin about myself  
CA: i mean its not like theres a serious threat to the social order here  
CA: all just a bit a fun an games right  
CA: looks to me like evveryone needs to get a sense a humour   
CG: OH MY GOD WOULD YOU ALL JUST FUCKING SHUT UP FOR ONE SINGLE BLESSED MOMENT OF NEAR ECSTATIC RELIEF.    
CA: come on kar youre meant to be the fuckin butler  
CA: grumpiest fuckin butler i evver did lay eyes on   
GC: Y3S TH1S 1S V3RY TRU3!  
GC: GOD TH1S T3XT 1S D3L1C1OUS  
GC: 1TS L1K3 M4K1NG OUT W1TH D4V3 3V3RY T1M3 1 T4LK  
GC: 4NYW4Y  
GC: YOU SHOULD B3 POL1T3 4ND D3F3R3NT14L MR W4DSWORTH  
GC: S1NC3 W3 4R3 4LL YOUR SOC14L SUP3RIORS >:]   
CT: D --> Is this correct  
CT: D --> Are you in fact appearing as a butler or equivalent personal servant in this scenario   
CG: CERTAINLY SIR, ALLOW ME TO FETCH YOU A TALL GLASS OF ICE COLD GO FUCK HOOFBEASTS IN A DITCH.  
CG: WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE.    
GA: I Have No Wish To Appear As Though I Am Flinging Myself Recklessly At The Back Of The Departing Wheeled Conveyance Full Of Musical Entertainers  
GA: But I Must Reluctantly Admit That This Exercise Seems A Little Pointless  
GA: Since It Appears To Be Predicated At Least Partially On Anonymity  
GA: And We Have All Known Each Other For Sweeps   
CA: speak up kan wwe cant hear you   
CG: JESUS NOOKSLOBBERING CHRIST.  
CG: THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SUCH THING AS WHITE BLOOD, THIS IS SO SPECTACULARLY DUMB.  
CG: WHAT KIND OF IMPOSSIBLY REMEDIAL EXCUSE FOR A SPECIES WOULD HAVE ANY USE FOR BLOOD CELLS THAT WERE WHITE?    
AC: :33 < *ac sniffs haughtily and waits for a menial to aid her in the remewval of her coat*   
CG: YES, THANK YOU.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SURPRISED THAT THE CATGIRL IS THE ONLY ONE WHO’S REMOTELY IN FUCKING CHARACTER.  
CG: COME ON PEOPLE, THIS IS YOUR MODEL RIGHT HERE.  
CG: ONLY WITHOUT THE SHITTY CAT PUNS IF POSSIBLE.    
AC: :33 < *ac checks out the cute butler while he’s not looking*  
AC: :33 < *ac wonders if he’s called a butler cause he has such a hot butt*   
CG: AUGH, WHAT.  
CG: NEPETA, GODDAMMIT, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SOME SORT OF SNOOTY DOWAGER, NOT AN ELDERLY NYMPHOMANIAC PERVING ON THE HELP. 

You wish the scenario had allotted her anything other than that _precise_ text colour.

AC: :33 < but my interpretation of the part is so much more exciting!  
AC: :33 < *ac winks suggestively at the sexy butler*  
AC: :33 < *ac thinks she could use some help in remewving more than just her coat if he knows what she means!*    
CG: LITERALLY ALL I CAN SEE IS BURNING.  
CG: I THOUGHT THERE WERE LIMITS ON HOW MUCH OF A CATASTROPHIC HIVEWRECK THIS EVENING COULD BECOME, BUT ONCE AGAIN YOU GUYS HAVE SURPASSED MY EXPECTATIONS SO HARD BLOOD IS POURING OUT OF THEM.  
CG: GRATZ. 

  
Terrible scream: Ring out from kitchen.   


CG: OH THANK FUCKING GOD, SOMEONE’S BEEN MURDERED.  
CG: I ONLY WISH IT HAD BEEN ME. 


	2. good morning, sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually my entry for the first main round of the competition, which was themed around renewing, subverting, or otherwise playing with fanstuff tropes and clichés. It has zero literary merit, is deeply self-indulgent, and compared to the piece we actually submitted – the astonishing [_In Shitty Sidequests Veritas_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/241375) by Cephied Variable and naive_wanderer, which placed first and which you _must_ read if you have not already done so – just looks a bit silly. But it should please fans of Dave/Terezi banter, if nothing else.

-ow  
-jesus christ  
-what the hell  
-OH GOD  
-MY H34D  
-1 TH1NK 1 4M GO1NG TO D13  
-uh  
-hey tz  
-in the nicest possible way  
-what in the goddamn mother of fuck are you doing in my bed  
-also why is there a window there  
-where is all my shit  
-okay this is not my bed got it  
-awesome  
-allow me to revise my previous question  
-what in the goddamn mother of fuck am i doing in your bed  
-D4V3 TH1S 1S NOT MY B3D  
-1 DO NOT H4V3 4 B3D  
-YOU 4R3 4 MORON  
-1 F33L S1CK  
-oh yeah forgot you guys sleep in like vats of slime  
-so comfortable  
-always my first choice for a rejuvenating nap  
-forty gallons of cold jelly in a canoe  
-mmm so cosy and glumph glumph im drowning  
-OH MY GOD  
-D1D 1 N3GL3CT TO M3NT1ON TH4T 1 4M BUS1LY 4TT3MPT1NG TO D13?  
-TH3S3 D1STR4CT1ONS S3RV3 ONLY TO PROLONG TH3 4GONY OF 3X1ST3NC3  
-HOW CONV3N13NT TH4T 1 4PP34R TO B3 LY1NG ON SOM3 SORT OF FR3SHLY L4UND3R3D MORTU4RY SL4B  
-TH3 1D34 TH4T 4 CULTUR3 M1GHT CHOOS3 TO SL33P ON SUCH 4 TH1NG WOULD 4MUS3 M3  
-W3R3 1 CURR3NTLY C4P4BL3 OF F33L1NGS MOR3 SOPH1ST1C4T3D TH4N N4US34 4ND H4TR3D  
-ok i think weve satisfactorily established that we come from different planets  
-and that your planet is insane  
-lets focus  
-1 C4NNOT FOCUS  
-1 C4N B4R3LY S33  
-you cant see at all dipshit  
-3X4CTLY  
-1 S33 BY T4ST3 4ND F33L 4ND SM3LL  
-BUT 4T TH3 MOM3NT 4LL 1 C4N T4ST3 1S WH4T3V3R SM4LL WOODL4ND 4N1M4L H4S D13D 1N MY MOUTH  
-4LL 1 C4N F33L 1S TH3 B4TT3RY 4C1D CO4T1NG MY N3RV3 3ND1NGS  
-4ND 4LL 1 C4N SM3LL 1S YOU  
-uh  
-1 M34N  
-B3C4US3 YOU ST1NK  
-OF HUM4N M4L3  
-4ND DO NOT SM3LL GOOD 4T 4LL!   
-right  
-so what youre saying is that youre more or less completely useless  
-glad were on the same page at last  
-let me walk you through this  
-you just lie there and be all blind and shit  
-were in a room  
-lack of normal stuff like books suggests hotel room  
-fucking terrible painting of two horses in a field confirms it  
-4R3 HOOFB34ST 4RTWORKS 4 ST4ND4RD F34TUR3 1N 34RTH HOT3LS?   
-nah  
-but noone would actually have shit like that in their house  
-i mean unless a dead relative gave it to them or something  
-daughter promise youll honour my dying wish  
-of course father whatever you say  
-cough cough take this fucking awful watercolour that i painted with my ancient shrivelled dick  
-hang it somewhere prominent and unmissable  
-so that cough everyone who passes for generations to come will say  
-jesus christ the old asshole really was an apocalyptically bad artist  
-string orchestra plays  
-everybody sobs  
-fucking lifetime original right there  
-D4V3  
-YOUR L4RG3LY 1NCOMPR3H3NS1BL3 ON3 4CT PL4YS M1GHT 3NT3RT41N M3  
-1N 4N 4LT3RN4T3 UN1V3RS3 WH3R3 1 H4D 4 H34D  
-4ND NOT 4 PULS4T1NG GLOB3 OF DULL 4GONY  
-recently voted the least successful sex toy of all time  
-C4N W3 G3T B4CK ON TOP1C  
-?  
-yeah ok  
-anyway  
-contents of the room  
-one ass puckeringly bad square yard of horsefail in a tacky frame  
-one wardrobe made of pretty much corrugated cardboard  
-one chair  
-one window  
-two doors  
-TWO?   
-guess we have en suite  
-lucky us  
-two of those glass hemisphere wall light things with pullcords  
-two bedside tables  
-one with off white pushbutton phone and glass ashtray  
-one double bed  
-latter containing one awesome dude valiantly trying to make sense of inherently dumb situation  
-and one cranky troll girl being a general pain in the butt  
-D4V3 TH3 ST4TUS OF YOUR BUTT H4S N3V3R CONC3RN3D M3 L3SS  
-WH4T 1S OUTS1D3 TH3 W1NDOW?   
-sky  
-D3RP COULD YOU B3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 SP3C1F1C 4G3NT STR1D3R  
-actually no  
-all i can fucking see from here is sky  
-its blue if that helps  
-W3LL G3T OUT OF TH3 B3D 4ND H4V3 4 PROP3R LOOK!!   
-you get out of the goddamn bed  
-im fine right where i am  
-1 C4NNOT G3T OUT OF TH3 B3D  
-1 4M NOT  
-3NT1R3LY  
-CLOTH3D >:/  
-not entirely clothed huh  
-well thats a coincidence  
-personally im lying here stark bare ass naked  
-hadnt thought to mention it till now  
-just slipped my mind  
-PL34S3 T3LL M3 YOU 4R3 JOK1NG  
-nope  
-nothin on but my shades  
-just a single starchy hotel bedsheet between the great wide wonderful world and the chiselled flawless body of a young greek god  
-naked as nature intended him to be  
-you know i was the model for michelangelos david right  
-he should have had a samurai sword too but the motherfucker couldnt sculpt for shit  
-4444RGH TH1S 1S PR3POST3ROUS  
-WH3R3 4R3 YOUR CLOTH3S??   
-thats a fucking good question now you mention it  
-bathroom maybe  
-W3LL YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO GO 4ND F1ND TH3M  
-1 4M ST4Y1NG R1GHT H3R3!   
-whoa there  
-did i not deal with the whole nudity aspect of this here situation  
-should i maybe recap  
-do you need diagrams  
-Y3S Y3S D4V3 1 FULLY 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 M4GN1TUD3 OF YOUR N4K3DN3SS  
-BUT YOU S33M TO B3 FORG3TT1NG  
-1 4M BL1ND  
-4ND TH3R3FOR3 YOUR SP3C14L MYST3R13S 4RE 3NT1R3LY S4F3 >:]  
-oh god the smiles back  
-thats bullshit and we both know it  
-you see like a fucking champ  
-you can tell what colour suit im wearing by sniffing a computer screen  
-you cant tell me if i hop out of bed right now and go prancing round naked as a jaybird your freaky hypersenses arent going to be beaming a composite satellite picture of the whole damn parade straight to your cackling neocortex  
-youll be on that shit like the cia on an illegal weapons cache in the middle of nowherestan  
-only in this case the illegal weapons cache will be my perfectly formed ass  
-which is in fact a threat to national security so yeah  
-i forgot what i was saying  
-YOU W3R3 S4Y1NG TH4T YOU W3R3 TOO SC4R3D TO G3T OUT OF B3D B3C4US3 4 BL1ND G1RL M1GHT S33 YOU N4K3D  
-4ND L1KE A W1GGL3R WHO H4S N1GHTM4R3S YOUR F34RS W3R3 NOT B31NG PUT TO R3ST BY TH3 1NTRUS1ON OF H4RD SC13NT1F1C F4CT!  
-1T 1S 4S 1F YOU 4R3 T3RR1F13D OF 4 MONST3R 1N YOUR G4RM3NTBOX  
-ONLY YOU DO NOT H4V3 4 G4RM3NTBOX  
-4ND SO 3V3N YOUR MOTH3R 1S FORC3D TO 4DM1T YOU 4R3 4 R3T4RD  
-pffft hard scientific fact thats a laugh  
-science gave up on you and went to alicante years back  
-only hard thing in this room is my dick  
-WH4T  
-uh  
-okay sorry tmi there  
-its a thing that happens  
-to human dudes  
-in the morning  
-regardless of other environmental factors  
-eg naked chicks in close proximity  
-nothing personal  
-1 4M 1NTR1GU3D  
-CL34RLY TH3R3 4R3 M4NY S3CR3TS OF HUM4N 4N4TOMY 1 H4V3 Y3T TO UNCOV3R  
-wow lets not talk about uncovering  
-ive got a great idea  
-how about i shut my eyes  
-and you go find our stuff  
-Y3S D4V3 TH4T DO3S SOUND L1K3 4 GOOD 1D34  
-PROB4BLY B3C4US3 OF MY S3CR3T 1D3NT1TY  
-WH1CH 1S CH13F L3G1SL4C3R4TOR CHUMP OF SUCK3RTOWN!!  
-JUST HOW STUP1D DO YOU TH1NK 1 4M??   
-no seriously i promise  
-i wont peep  
-i mean not that i even want to  
-OH PL34S3 TH3 M3R3ST GL1MPS3 OF MY UNCL4D FORM WOULD B3 L1K3 4LL YOUR 34RTH CHR1STM4S3S 4RR1V1NG 1N 4 V3RY 3ROT1C ROW  
-DO NOT 3V3N 4TT3MPT TO D3NY 1T  
-goddammit woman  
-i want clothes as bad as you do  
-and someones got to go and get the damn things  
-its not like we can dial room service  
-uh hey were both naked  
-can you go into the bathroom and look for my pants plz  
-no wait come back  
-HMM  
-W3LL  
-B3FOR3 PUTT1NG TH1S PL4N 1NTO 4CT1ON 1 WOULD R3QU1R3 4 SUR3TY  
-N4M3LY  
-TH3 R3MOV4L OF THOS3 1NFUR14T1NG SH4D3S >:]  
-what  
-no way  
-OH Y3S!  
-HOW 3LS3 W1LL 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 K33P1NG YOUR PROM1S3?  
-W1TH THOS3 STUP1D TH1NGS ON 1 WOULD B3 3NTIR3LY 4T YOUR M3RCY!   
-uh uh  
-no deal sister  
-the shades stay on  
-TH3N SO DO3S TH3 B3DSH33T >:P  
-fuck  
-negotiations are really breaking down here  
-we have to sort this out before the un gets involved  
-lets back up a ways  
-how did we get in this fucking ridiculous romcom situation anyway  
-i pretty much remember jack shit  
-maybe were missing something  
-apart from all our clothes i mean  
-M4YB3 TH1S 1S SOM3 SORT OF T3ST??   
-what the hell kind of weird ass test would this be  
-i mean what would it even be testing  
-WH3TH3R W3 C4N PUT 4S1D3 P3RSON4L F33L1NGS OF SH4M3 4ND 4NX13TY 4ND COLL4BOR4T3 TO 4CH13V3 4 COMMON GO4L!  
-1T 1S CL4SS1C PSYCHODYN4M1CS  
-OP3R4T1V3S WHO W1LL B3 WORK1NG CLOS3LY TOG3TH3R MUST R1D TH3MS3LV3S OF C3RT41N SOC1AL 1NH1B1T1ONS  
-YOUR P4RTN3RS BODY SHOULD B3 L1K3 YOUR OWN  
-so you can what  
-stare at it in the mirror for hours  
-play with it when noones looking  
-take it into the shower and rub soapy hands all over it as often as you like  
-NO NO NO >:[  
-fuck  
-WH4T?   
-nothing  
-just got a weird kind of memory flash  
-thought i almost had something there  
-Y3S, TH1S 1S 3XC3LL3NT!  
-TH1NK H4RD D4V3  
-WH4T 1S TH3 L4ST TH1NG YOU R3M3MB3R??   
-uh  
-we were in a restaurant  
-no wait  
-a bar  
-Y3S YOUR3 R1GHT  
-1 R3M3MB3R TOO  
-TH3R3 W3R3 BR1GHT SH1NY L1GHTS  
-4ND ON3 OF THOS3 CO1N 34T1NG SOUND C4B1N3TS  
-a jukebox yeah  
-i put something on it  
-cant remember what  
-bound to have been something awesome though  
-4ND TH3N W3 D4NC3D!   
-seriously  
-Y3S, 1 R3C4LL 1T CL34RLY NOW!  
-NO-ON3 1N TH3 PL4C3 COULD B3G1N TO COMPR3H3ND OUR MOV3S  
-W3 W3R3 4RSON1STS OF D4NC3 4ND TH3 FLOOR W4S 4N 1N4D3QU4T3LY-S3CUR3D BU1LD1NG CONSTRUCT3D PR1M4R1LY FROM FL4MM4BL3 M4T3R14LS  
-1 POUR3D TH3 K3ROS3N3  
-YOU DROPP3D TH3 M4TCH  
-W3 H4D 4LL TH3 D3L1C1OUS FL13S  
-jesus  
-how much had i drunk  
-oh wait nm guess the pounding headache answers that one  
-TH3RE W4S 4 P1NK TH1NG 1N 4 GL4SS TH4T T4ST3D L1K3 R4SPB3RR13S  
-1T S33M3D TO G3T B3TT3R TH3 MOR3 OF 1T 1 DR4NK  
-okay so we left the bar  
-then what  
-TH3N 4LL THOS3 M3N W1TH GUNS TURN3D UP 1N TH4T BL4CK V4N!   
-no that only happened in your head  
-tz im fairly sure we havent been recruited for a top secret training programme  
-i dont think the fbi does this kind of shit  
-SPO1LSPORT >:[  
-nah we got a taxi  
-must have taken it back here i guess  
-wherever here is  
-i remember coming up  
-you made us take the stairs cause you said the lift was a trap  
-OH COM3 ON 1T W4S 4 S1N1ST3R M3T4L BOX W1TH NO CONTROLS!  
-MY C4UT1ON W4S COMPL3T3LY JUST1F13D  
-took goddamn forever  
-we kept stopping partway and  
-uh  
-hang on  
-kissing  
-...  
-then we got in here and  
-oh  
-right  
-OH GOD  
-TH3 SHOW3R  
-yeah  
-the shower  
-and then  
-OH MY GOD  
-I R3M3MB3R NOW  
-D1D W3 4CTUALLY  
-ohh yeah  
-dammit i thought that chair looked weirdly familiar  
-BUT TH3N YOU  
-...  
-OH  
-twice  
-J3GUS  
-yeah  
-NO WOND3R MY L3GS 4CH3  
-wow  
-well if it was a test i think we failed  
-unless they were testing our agility and general physical fitness  
-in which case we passed with flying colours  
-1 4M V3RY 3MB4RR4SS3D  
-4ND 4LSO SUDD3NLY SOM3WH4T  
-F1DG3TY  
-welp  
-i guess modesty is kinda misplaced at this point  
-that ship has sailed  
-and everyone on board was naked  
-at least that means we can get out of bed now  
-...  
-DO W3 H4V3 TO?   
-well   
-theres other factors to consider  
-i mean im hungover as all hell  
-i should probably stay more or less horizontal for the next couple of hours  
-play it safe  
-Y3S TH1S 1S TRU3!  
-YOUR BODY N33DS TO H34L  
-T4K1NG R1SKS W1LL ONLY D4M4G3 YOU 1N TH3 LONG T3RM  
-i knew this one guy  
-got out of bed too fast after a night on the town  
-head fell clean off  
-fucking tragedy  
-GOODN3SS GR4C1OUS  
-1 H4D NOT R34L1S3D OUR CONT1NU3D W3LLB31NG HUNG BY SO SL3ND3R 4 THR34D!  
-1T 1S 4 GOOD JOB YOU KNOW SO MUCH 4BOUT M3D1C1N3 D4V3  
-aint it though  
-matter of fact there is one traditional earth cure for a hangover  
-MMM?  
-WH4T DO3S TH1S CUR3 1NVOLV3?    
-stop nuzzling me for a sec and ill show you


	3. how far we've come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for bonus round 2b, which revolved around short playlists. The prompt that ended up inspiring this fic was the following three songs:
> 
> Matchbox Twenty - [How Far We've Come](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=116xGE_FI_0)  
> 30 Seconds To Mars - [This Is War](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMAVLXk9QWA)  
> Ana Johnsson - [We Are](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jR7Ab7fZuw)
> 
> I wrote it very fast, but people seemed to like it.

You knew he’d be the one who stayed.

He walks towards you across the Beat Mesa as the universe behind him goes up like sparks on brushwood, sheets of spacetime flexing and splitting clean across with a rumble you feel in your teeth, pinpoint galaxies flaring and then closing like so many eyes. All of Creation is coming to a fucking end in fire and brimstone and a smell like your nose is bleeding, and he’s out for a fucking _stroll_. His hands are in his Goddamn pockets. You suspect he’s whistling, though you can’t tell at this range because, yeah, turns out universes don’t go quietly. If he looked any more nonchalant he’d be all the way back round to chalant again.

“Oh, thank fucking Jegus,” you yell to him, hoarse above the ash-smeared wind. “Dave Strider’s here, everyone! Looks like we can all go home, the day is officially fucking saved.”

“Don’t know if you got the memo, Vantas,” he calls back, “but everyone’s _gone_.”

He gets within six feet of you and stares you critically up and down. You force yourself not to shift awkwardly in place. His eyes settle on your right hand where it hangs at your hip.

“A fucking sickle,” he says. “Jesus. We’re about to fight the dudes who used to beat up Satan for his lunch money, and you’re packing a fucking _agricultural implement_. Why not just dual-wield secateurs, take that shit all the way?”

“Says the asshole clutching _half a fucking sword_ ,” you shoot back.

Much to your surprise, he grins.

“Kay,” he says. “Let’s do this right.”

* * *

The first wave is a piece of shit. Just souped-up imps, pretty much. You don’t even need your fraymotifs, just swing and chop and rinse and repeat. They’re fast, yeah, and they can take a hit, but you’re a maxed Knight with an endgame weapon. You break a sweat, but that’s it.

Second and third waves have some tricks. Nothing you haven’t seen, but Jegus there’s a lot of them. A tentacle whips a hot line across your face, a claw clips a finger’s worth of meat neatly from the gap between two ribs, where you didn’t have all that much to spare. You use the sickle the way you’ve learnt, short fierce strikes that snap back at the end, using the unbalanced weight of the blade to your advantage to rip soggy black flesh and splinter luminous chitin. The way the twitching chunks of palp and polyp scatter left and right reminds you of the last time you saw Terezi eat seafood. You’re not so busy you can’t spare a glance at Strider. How the fuck does this asshole make it look so _easy_? You can’t get a decent look at his face because of the whirling batshit flagellum party that’s trying to pull it off his head, but in the glimpses you catch you’d swear he looks bored.

After wave four there’s a lull. You turn to look at each other and your ragged breathing catches a little more. He’s bleeding; a thin trail from somewhere under his pale hair, down the white planes of his cheek and throat until it soaks into his shirt. Scarlet candy red. You knew, of course, John explained about humans. But you’d never _seen_ a human bleed before today. It’s as red as yours. Maybe redder.

He’s looking back at you appraisingly and you suddenly realise how many bits of you hurt in the hot bright way that means you’re leaking. He nods.

“Nice one. Red’s the best colour.”

 _Yeah_ , you try to say, except it comes out more like “Yeah?”

“You’re actually pretty fucking good with that thing,” he says. “My hedge ever tries to eat me, I know who to call.”

You tell him he’s a nooksniffing bulgemuncher, or something along those general lines, and then wave five hits like an angry truck with a hundred horribly distended mouths and hair made of sentient intestines and you get distracted. Still, though. He was _watching_.

Waves six through eight are a fucking nightmare and you don’t want to talk about them.

* * *

While you wait for wave nine you decide maybe you’ll sit down for a bit. Standing up is kind of overrated, you’ve always thought. He looks down at you and grins like a knife.

“Getting tired?”

Your comeback dies in the broken glass wastelands of your throat. He’s a mess. Shirt hanging off him like paper streamers, black jeans torn in a way that might look cool if there weren’t so much blood underneath. His pale sweaty fringe is matted across his forehead and slicked down red along one side. The light from the inferno makes the blond hairs on his forearms gleam. His shades, you note, are still firmly in place. What an unbelievable douchebag. How come like everyone you know is flushed for this prick?

Mysteries like this course in magic rivers through the universe.

“Why’d you stay?”, you ask him. Ask, cough, whatever.

He shrugs and winces. “Meh.”

“No, not meh. For once in your fucking shitstain of a life, Strider, don’t duck out with a fucking meh. Why’d you stay?”

“Same reason you did. Someone’s got to stop all these assholes going through the gate.”

“That’s why _I_ stayed. I asked why _you_ stayed. I could have held them long enough. Don’t give me that fucking look! I could and you know it.”

“Because this shit is my fault,” he says, and it’s quiet but you still hear it.

“ _What._ ”

“Someone’s gotta carry the can for this grade-A corn-fed locally-sourced goatfuck. I’m the Knight of Time. If I’d figured out my shit faster I could have stopped it. Ain’t fair to lay that on John, or Jade. Or even Lalonde.”

You stare at him. That can’t be how it is. Not him, too.

“Strider, I know you say retarded things on the professional circuit. I know you get invited to give keynote speeches at all the major retard conferences. I know famous retards sidle up to you in the street for your fucking autograph. But _that_ was your fucking _masterpiece_. I made this session. Okay? I gave it cancer. I fucked your Genesis Frog in its puckered amphibian ass and I didn’t even take it out to dinner first. _I am the fucking Apocalypse._ You don’t owe anyone shit.”

You were pitching for furious but it turns kind of gentle at the end so you cut it off fast.

“You broke it,” he says. “I didn’t fix it. Want to tell me which of us fucked up worse?”

“Ha ha, big joke,” you say. “The answer to that question, at any time, in any universe, is always _Karkat Vantas_.”

Wave nine.

When it’s over you can’t sit down because you’re already on the floor. You had a choice between holding onto your sickle or your guts and you picked the sickle and you’re starting to think you chose poorly. Everything below your ribcage feels kind of loose and slippery and cold. You let your head flop to the side.

“Strider?”

He’s laughing. The shades are _still_ fucking on, though they’re so crazed with cracks and splinters he looks like he tried to cosplay Equius. One hand is still gripping that stupid broken sword. You can’t see the other hand, and then you realise there’s nothing past the shoulder, just gore and filaments. The rest of him...

“Strider, stop laughing, for fuck’s sake. You look like you got chewed up and spat out.”

“Dude,” he says, and his voice makes what’s left of your chest go kind of funny inside. It’s so quiet, and so dry, like leaves. “We fucking won.”

The sky above you is one continuous roof of blinding white fire. The wind is a scream of fury.

“Think they’ll be okay without us?” he asks.

You snort, and blood spatters your lips. “You kidding? Maybe without us to fuck it all up they’ll make it _work_ this time round.”

“That’s the fucking trouble with Knights, I guess,” he says, and he rolls his head back to stare up at atomic fire. “Day don’t start ‘til they’re over.”

You start to crawl, because suddenly the only thing that matters in the last ten seconds of your fucked up creation is that you get your arms round the most beautiful Goddamn thing you ever made.

You take one deep breath of his sticky red hair and it’s over.


End file.
